idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
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“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Asking the real questions!
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple