idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
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What personal space?
My dog
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
man: wait
time: no
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?