Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
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[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser