Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
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Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked