idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
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I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.