idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
me and who
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
A flock of dads is called a grill.