idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
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a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
A little too much information.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
School be like
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.