Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

I bet birds love this building.

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be