Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun