Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
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My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Now who done made this a sport lmao
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.