Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
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*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.