Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

My wedding will be open casket.

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good