Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

Saturday

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

goldfish mafia

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

🍛

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s