Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
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High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page