Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

When libraries troll their patrons.

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?