Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
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Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.