If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
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Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone