According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
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Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I’d use my best pan on you.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts