if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
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Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Sorry. Not sorry
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My birth announcement for our third baby
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her