if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
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Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Isn’t
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds