if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
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The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Hitlers gonna hitl
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.