If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
You Might Also Like
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
you have three unread messages
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.