If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
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Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.