If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
You Might Also Like
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist