Blows you, kisses
See proper punctuation is important
If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos that person is 1% nacho
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[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.
It was cute with Skittles.
Then she switched to dog food.
I just got asked to work on a “special project” which is boss for “This was assigned to me but you’re smarter so here you do it.”
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic
Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
My five stages of waking up: