i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
You Might Also Like
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”