If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos that person is 1% nacho

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Blows you, kisses

See proper punctuation is important


[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes


My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth.

It was cute with Skittles.

Then she switched to dog food.


I just got asked to work on a “special project” which is boss for “This was assigned to me but you’re smarter so here you do it.”


Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?



Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic

Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix


ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something


God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.


My five stages of waking up:

5)Extreme hostility