Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

I like crazy people until they notice me

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse