if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
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“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people