if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
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I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years