if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
You Might Also Like
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
translated into Canadian
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?