if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
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I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Where’s my employee discount too?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.