Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin