If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
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Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
December birthdays be like…
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday