If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
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I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
“Sheer Arrogance”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”