If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
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PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”