If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
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Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Ron is short for Aaronald
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.