If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
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There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!