If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
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Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
i now pronounce you bounced.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room