If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
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My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies