If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
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My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing