if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
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Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
he was correct
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day