if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
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RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.