@WhiskeySoured: If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.
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@sophielou: Before Instagram: Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
@DanSpenser: Names that sound like Tarzan describing people: William Hurt Emily Blunt Edgar Wright John Goodman Shelley Long Timothy Treadwell Emma Stone Jack Black
@Playing_Dad: [Rappers job interview] Boss: What is your biggest weakness? Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can't speak. I'm a geek. Birds have feathers.