@WhiskeySoured

If a bear is chasing you, don’t run. Be very still and tweet about it because you’re about to die.

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@Divergentmama

Son: mom did you hear about the actress that got stabbed?

Me: no, who?

Son: Reese something

Me: Witherspoon??

Son: NO, with her knife! Hahaha

Me: ᴴᴱᴸᴾ ᴹᴱ

@KevinBuffalo

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

@mikeleffingwell

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

@ddsmidt

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

@oldlinds

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@MatCro

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

@SortaBad

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

@Wine_Charmer

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]