I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
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The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I love the honesty
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?