if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
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Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My biological clock is wheezing.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
very niche meme I made
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N