if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
My life coach traded me.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
#parenting
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”