Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.