Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shower sex be like:

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson