if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
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[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…