If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
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Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Bring back the McRib
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog