If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.