If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
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I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.