Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.