If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
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My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
these can’t be my only options
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
#SuperBowl
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register