If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

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Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife


The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.


It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.


[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan


How do Tie Fighter pilots see sideways?
How do Stormtroopers go to the bathroom?

*Star Wars thoughts that keep me awake at night.


Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.


Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right


If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.