Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
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The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
How do Tie Fighter pilots see sideways?
How do Stormtroopers go to the bathroom?
*Star Wars thoughts that keep me awake at night.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?