If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
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The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
so, is there a mister shapen head
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me