Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

My dryer is celebrating lint.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

lost dog

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year