Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

Muppet Screams

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.