If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
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My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
At Walmart during the holidays like..
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.