If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
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My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.