Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.