If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
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My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer