Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.