IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
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My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.