Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

I didn’t know they can drive…

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator