If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
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If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
🖤✌🏽
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER