If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I enjoy a good short stor
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Breaking news:
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE