Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

“What base is it when you share your chocolates?”

Me eating MY chocolates:
I wouldn’t know

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

lmfao

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.