If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
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estão todos miauvindo?
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
What is going on? 😅
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
No.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?