Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

(Gaming support cat.)

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.