If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
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I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Customer is always right
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Thoughts
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
When you put it that way… 😂
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[screaming into the void]
MARCO