If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!