If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”