Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit