If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
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[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom