Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

Had a spot of bother earlier.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

Love it! 👍😂

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.