Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring